Things I've noticed

A few Random things I've noticed.

Little things infuriate. You put so much hope, so many dreams, so much expectation out there, any small difficulty fills you with rage. Not getting mail, not being able to use the phone, a loved ones getting off the internet right before you get on. All indescribably frustrating.

And everything is much much harder. It took three weeks to upload 40 pictures to shutterfly so I could get prints made. Three weeks, just to upload. You have internet, but it's like a joke: you have to give up literally half of your waking non-sleep hours to do the simplest thing.

It's like being in a wheelchair, and having to ask other people to do everything for you. Want some dental flossers? Ask someone. Want a webcam? Don't be a grownup and go to best buy. Just hope you get one. Need your paperwork for promotion? Ask your wife for it and wait. And hope. And wait. And wait. Anything you want or need or require: just beg for it and hope someone gives it to you. It's like being a cripple.

I did a stupid quiz about what I notice first about a woman. Then I thought about it. Turns out what I notice first, what makes an indelible impression that never goes away, is her hair. Even if she changes it later, that first impression is forever. Then I notice her eyes. Nothing deep here, but things I never knew about myself that I came to realize.

I saw someone with a cat. And it came to me that I hate animals, because I form very intense bonds with very few things. So I am still bitter about every animal that died or left. Tommy, and Buttons, and Geraldine, Zenobiah, Fabious Bile. Fuzzy Head, Brooklyn. They all still hurt. Then I realized I do this with people. I form very few friendships. Every true friendship that I form remains true, years after I have not seen  someone. The few broken friendships still hurt, like sharp glass swallowed, cutting inside. And the ones who left, who cut me off and never told me why, they hurt like a broken tooth your tongue cannot leave alone.

And I hate the night shift. I live on momentum, and adrenaline and work and belief. And grinding just kills
me.

And I think too much.

And it's all just a series of games, things we do to while away eternity.