Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
December 04, 2010 pt 2
When I think of it, it's
amazing how different things are here.
Here, it's like God is shining a giant light, a glorious, blinding
light on everything you do.
Seeing each action and judging it,
weighing it,
finding you worthy,
or not.
But in america
it's dark.
It's muddy.
It's dirty.
Dirty in the soul,
rather than the body.
And the choices are never clear.
And they never matter.
Nothing matters.
Here, everything matters.
Everything.
What you eat.
What you wear.
How much sleep you get.
When you last
talked to your loved ones.
Whether you
have your knife,
your gerber,
your weapon
your tournequiteyourammunitionyourglovesyourwatchyourwateryourheadlampyourfleecehatyourwhoopieyourponchotheclsbagyourclpyourseatbeltcutteryourhelmettheheadspaceandtiminggaugeyourhatyourextrasocksthesmokegrenadesdo youhaveitcanyougettoit?
over here everything matters.
In America, nothing matters.
Forget something, so what?
Go get it.
So what?
So what?
Everything in america is so what.
Here, nothing is ever so what.
There is always an answer to that question.
Here, God watches you, and judges you, cruelly at times.
There, God doesn't even know you exist.
You are ants, and your lives without meaning,
or value, or even worth judging.
How am I ever going to leave this?
How am I ever going to go home to my family?
When the war is over?
The war will never be over.
Not the war on the ground,
fought with guns
and bombs
and knives
and stones.
Not the war inside us,
that we cannot put down.
The war will never be over.
How can I go home?
amazing how different things are here.
Here, it's like God is shining a giant light, a glorious, blinding
light on everything you do.
Seeing each action and judging it,
weighing it,
finding you worthy,
or not.
But in america
it's dark.
It's muddy.
It's dirty.
Dirty in the soul,
rather than the body.
And the choices are never clear.
And they never matter.
Nothing matters.
Here, everything matters.
Everything.
What you eat.
What you wear.
How much sleep you get.
When you last
talked to your loved ones.
Whether you
have your knife,
your gerber,
your weapon
your tournequiteyourammunitionyourglovesyourwatchyourwateryourheadlampyourfleecehatyourwhoopieyourponchotheclsbagyourclpyourseatbeltcutteryourhelmettheheadspaceandtiminggaugeyourhatyourextrasocksthesmokegrenadesdo youhaveitcanyougettoit?
over here everything matters.
In America, nothing matters.
Forget something, so what?
Go get it.
So what?
So what?
Everything in america is so what.
Here, nothing is ever so what.
There is always an answer to that question.
Here, God watches you, and judges you, cruelly at times.
There, God doesn't even know you exist.
You are ants, and your lives without meaning,
or value, or even worth judging.
How am I ever going to leave this?
How am I ever going to go home to my family?
When the war is over?
The war will never be over.
Not the war on the ground,
fought with guns
and bombs
and knives
and stones.
Not the war inside us,
that we cannot put down.
The war will never be over.
How can I go home?
December 04, 2010
Listen
I know you mean well.
When you tell me you wish the war were over,
when you tell me you wish I could come home.
I know you have the absolute best intentions.
But.
You don't tell a police officer to not patrol the streets.
You don't tell a firefighter to stop fighting fires.
You don't tell the surgeon to stop operating on patients.
I am a Soldier.
And this war will not go away on its own.
Listen to me.
I do this for a living.
You trust your doctor.
You trust your banker.
Trust your Soldier.
This is a war we can win.
This is a war we should win.
We have a moral obligation to be here.
When the doctor tells you he looked at the slides, and he
saw something terrible that should not be there,
and he needs to go in with the knife,
you hope, and you pray, but you trust his judgement.
Because that's what he does.
I am a soldier.
This is what I do.
Don't try to stop me.
Don't hold me back.
I've seen something terrible, that should not be there,
and I have to go in with the knife.
Hope,
and pray,
and trust my judgment.
This war needs to be fought, and it will be fought.
And if we pull out, the war will follow us.
You cannot pull out of a war, you can only choose where
to fight it.
Let us fight it here, and now. We've chosen the field
of battle, let us fight here, where we have spent years
learning the battlefield, the people, the language.
Here, in Afghanistan, we have the home-field advantage,
because we've been here for nine years.
If we pull out, we'll fight somewhere else,
somewhere where we don't know the battlefield,
the people,
the language.
Somewhere where we don't have any advantages.
Nine years of continuous war, we've learned so much.
Our armor is different.
Our vehicles are different.
Our computers are different.
Our tourniquets are different.
Our techniques are different.
Everything we do is different.
We are a thousand times the army we were a decade ago.
Almost every one of our soldiers is a combat veteran, some of us many times
over. That experience can only be bought at one price: blood.
Our blood has taught us the lessons we need to know. And we
have learned those lessons. And we are learning those lessons.
Don't shackle us.
Don't hold us back.
Don't give us a deadline,
tell us we have to come home by a certain date.
Give us the men and the equipment and the backing we need to do this
job, and to do it right.
We could have won here years ago, but we never had enough men. We
were never given enough men, enough equipment, enough backing
to do the job right. We were never given enough resources to properly
establish security, to properly rebuild things, to do anything here
properly. Want the job done right? Lets fucking do it. Give us the
men and equipment, the doctors and soldiers and engineers and teachers
we need to secure Afghanistan, to rebuild Afghanistan, to heal Afghanistan,
to teach Afghanistan, and then we can win, and then we can come home.
Stop trying to bring me home before I'm done.
This is what I do for a living.
This is my job,
my profession,
my specialty.
Trust me.
Give me the tools I need and we can win this war.
Give me the committed men I need.
Make sure they receive the very best training.
Give me the equipment I need.
Take care of my family while I'm over here.
Give me the resources to secure,
to rebuild,
to heal
and to teach.
And I will come home.
And I will bring you a victory
we can all be proud of.
I know you mean well.
When you tell me you wish the war were over,
when you tell me you wish I could come home.
I know you have the absolute best intentions.
But.
You don't tell a police officer to not patrol the streets.
You don't tell a firefighter to stop fighting fires.
You don't tell the surgeon to stop operating on patients.
I am a Soldier.
And this war will not go away on its own.
Listen to me.
I do this for a living.
You trust your doctor.
You trust your banker.
Trust your Soldier.
This is a war we can win.
This is a war we should win.
We have a moral obligation to be here.
When the doctor tells you he looked at the slides, and he
saw something terrible that should not be there,
and he needs to go in with the knife,
you hope, and you pray, but you trust his judgement.
Because that's what he does.
I am a soldier.
This is what I do.
Don't try to stop me.
Don't hold me back.
I've seen something terrible, that should not be there,
and I have to go in with the knife.
Hope,
and pray,
and trust my judgment.
This war needs to be fought, and it will be fought.
And if we pull out, the war will follow us.
You cannot pull out of a war, you can only choose where
to fight it.
Let us fight it here, and now. We've chosen the field
of battle, let us fight here, where we have spent years
learning the battlefield, the people, the language.
Here, in Afghanistan, we have the home-field advantage,
because we've been here for nine years.
If we pull out, we'll fight somewhere else,
somewhere where we don't know the battlefield,
the people,
the language.
Somewhere where we don't have any advantages.
Nine years of continuous war, we've learned so much.
Our armor is different.
Our vehicles are different.
Our computers are different.
Our tourniquets are different.
Our techniques are different.
Everything we do is different.
We are a thousand times the army we were a decade ago.
Almost every one of our soldiers is a combat veteran, some of us many times
over. That experience can only be bought at one price: blood.
Our blood has taught us the lessons we need to know. And we
have learned those lessons. And we are learning those lessons.
Don't shackle us.
Don't hold us back.
Don't give us a deadline,
tell us we have to come home by a certain date.
Give us the men and the equipment and the backing we need to do this
job, and to do it right.
We could have won here years ago, but we never had enough men. We
were never given enough men, enough equipment, enough backing
to do the job right. We were never given enough resources to properly
establish security, to properly rebuild things, to do anything here
properly. Want the job done right? Lets fucking do it. Give us the
men and equipment, the doctors and soldiers and engineers and teachers
we need to secure Afghanistan, to rebuild Afghanistan, to heal Afghanistan,
to teach Afghanistan, and then we can win, and then we can come home.
Stop trying to bring me home before I'm done.
This is what I do for a living.
This is my job,
my profession,
my specialty.
Trust me.
Give me the tools I need and we can win this war.
Give me the committed men I need.
Make sure they receive the very best training.
Give me the equipment I need.
Take care of my family while I'm over here.
Give me the resources to secure,
to rebuild,
to heal
and to teach.
And I will come home.
And I will bring you a victory
we can all be proud of.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
December 02, 2010
So the depression is doing its best to kick my ass.
Now I have some advantages.
I exercise all the fucking time.
So that helps.
I keep really busy.
That helps.
I have the respect of very many
people I work with.
That helps.
but my mind wanders,
wanders in dark places.
So many dark places.
There are so many
dark places for my mind to wander.
I fight the depression.
I fight.
Every day.
Every day.
crap
All crap
I swim in a pool of shit
i feel it taste it
on my skin
in my mouth in the back of my throat
i hate
i fucking hate
so much
so much
Now I have some advantages.
I exercise all the fucking time.
So that helps.
I keep really busy.
That helps.
I have the respect of very many
people I work with.
That helps.
but my mind wanders,
wanders in dark places.
So many dark places.
There are so many
dark places for my mind to wander.
I fight the depression.
I fight.
Every day.
Every day.
crap
All crap
I swim in a pool of shit
i feel it taste it
on my skin
in my mouth in the back of my throat
i hate
i fucking hate
so much
so much
November 20, 2010
There's this dream I've been having.
First, though I have to tell you some stuff.
Last year, I was in Afghanistan. And I came home for a two week R&R break.
And when people saw me, I'd tell them "I'm in Afghanistan, I'm just on leave"
It was kind of a joke.
Kind of a short hand.
Kind of.
See, I've been having this dream.
Each time, most of the dream is different.
But each time, I'm in America.
Some times I'm on leave.
Some times I'm about to deploy.
And I tell people
"I'm in Afghanistan"
And it's like what I said last year, when I was on leave.
And maybe you could say that it's my sleepy mind,
telling me that I'm in Afghanistan, and dreaming it.
Or you could say what the guy down the hall says,
that I dream of the states because I haven't accepted that
I'm back in AFghanistan.
But I dont think thats it.
I dont think I ever left Afghanistan.
I dont think I ever came home.
I think it was all a dream, and I'm here.
In afghanistan.
Just like I said all along.
First, though I have to tell you some stuff.
Last year, I was in Afghanistan. And I came home for a two week R&R break.
And when people saw me, I'd tell them "I'm in Afghanistan, I'm just on leave"
It was kind of a joke.
Kind of a short hand.
Kind of.
See, I've been having this dream.
Each time, most of the dream is different.
But each time, I'm in America.
Some times I'm on leave.
Some times I'm about to deploy.
And I tell people
"I'm in Afghanistan"
And it's like what I said last year, when I was on leave.
And maybe you could say that it's my sleepy mind,
telling me that I'm in Afghanistan, and dreaming it.
Or you could say what the guy down the hall says,
that I dream of the states because I haven't accepted that
I'm back in AFghanistan.
But I dont think thats it.
I dont think I ever left Afghanistan.
I dont think I ever came home.
I think it was all a dream, and I'm here.
In afghanistan.
Just like I said all along.
November 15, 2010
Twenty one days in a row I have gone to the gym.
I write down my scores.
Each day I attempt to surpass the day prior.
I have studied Farsi for 8 hours, 55 minutes.
I have studied Pashto for 9 hours 15 minutes.
I learn a bit more.
I start to be able to read a bit, some of the
letters I recognize and know what sounds they make
some words I know and can use.The languages use the same alphabet, though
most or perhaps all the words are different.Each day I study.Each day I work out.
No one understands how bad I am at languages.
Or how weak I am.
But I persevere.
That they see.
They see my belief.
Shining through
the dust of my ignorance
and my weakness.
My belief will carry me
to where that dust is long gone.
I write down my scores.
Each day I attempt to surpass the day prior.
I have studied Farsi for 8 hours, 55 minutes.
I have studied Pashto for 9 hours 15 minutes.
I learn a bit more.
I start to be able to read a bit, some of the
letters I recognize and know what sounds they make
some words I know and can use.The languages use the same alphabet, though
most or perhaps all the words are different.Each day I study.Each day I work out.
No one understands how bad I am at languages.
Or how weak I am.
But I persevere.
That they see.
They see my belief.
Shining through
the dust of my ignorance
and my weakness.
My belief will carry me
to where that dust is long gone.
November 10, 2010
Every dayI grow a little more distant from
the soft
slow
fat
people around me
i grow a little more
angry
a little more lean
a little more hungry
a little more savage
a little more pure
a little more me
a little less them
I grow a little faster
a little stronger
a little more pure
a little more angry
I see the waste
the waste
the wasted resouces
the wasted time
the lack of effort
the lack of dedication.
And every day
I become a little more me.
the soft
slow
fat
people around me
i grow a little more
angry
a little more lean
a little more hungry
a little more savage
a little more pure
a little more me
a little less them
I grow a little faster
a little stronger
a little more pure
a little more angry
I see the waste
the waste
the wasted resouces
the wasted time
the lack of effort
the lack of dedication.
And every day
I become a little more me.
November 02, 2010
So each day we have a big briefing.
On the JOC floor, where everything happens.
Think of, in the movies, when NASA launches a mission. All the guys at computers
and phones, organizing shit.
We organize RC(S), the second busiest quarter of Afghanistan.
And each day we have a briefing on everything that is going on.
In the same room as everything is STILL going on.
SO.......
usually its quiet while the briefing happens.
Once in a while, an event comes through.
Like yesterday, DURING the briefing, we got the MEDEVAC mission for 8 US
CAT A soldiers.
When you get hurt, and we assess you, we categorize it.
Cat C, you'll live, but should be seen by a doctor, MEDEVAC within 24 hours.
Cat B, you are stable, MEDEVAC within 4 hours.
CAT A. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
So we had 8 cat a yesterday, during the briefing.
So, when a 9 liner comes in (a 9 liner is a MEDEVAC request, called so because it has 9 lines),
we usually yell it out so everyone in the room hears it.
For yesterdays event, one of the senior people in the room said "9 liner" loud enough for
everyone who needs to know to know, but not so loud as to mess up the brief. Makes
sense, right?
Today, again during the brief, we had another 9-liner, this one for 4 CAT A ANA. The ANA
are the Afghan National Army. They do something like what we do, with less equipment, training,
pay, medical care. So four of them were in a truck and hit an IED. MEDEVAC.
So I see it, I say "9 liner" in a tone of voice quiet, but loud enough to be heard. JUST IN CASE
the people in medops two rows behind me are tieing their shoes, or looking at the speaker, or ANYTHING besides looking at the screen (and there is ALWAYS the chance that the message came through on my screen and not theirs, THAT HAPPENED EARLIER THIS WEEK).
THEN
I take the grid coordinates that show where the patients are, and the grids are wrong.
The Army has a complicated grid system for the whole world. A grid looks like 41 RSR 41689 98888. Thats a grid that makes sense. Other grids are NOT POSSIBLE IN AFGHANISTAN. The grid that is given is NOT POSSIBLE IN AFGHANISTAN.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Someone typed in the wrong grid. Too easy, I check on a second type of program to be sure. yep, does not work. So I post in teh chatroom we use
"request confirm on that grid" or words to that effect.
And the medops chief of operations sends me a private chat to the effect of "the grid is correct:,
So I'm like "roger"
and
I go check again.
Because thats the kind of soldier I am.
AND ITS WRONG.
So I say in the private chat, no, grids still not working on two programs.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
She posts updated grid.
BUT
NEW GRID IS EVEN WRONGER.
See, all Army grids have an even number of grid digits.41 RSR 41689 98888Makes sense, 10 digits.41 RSR 4168 9888less accurate, but still makes sense, 8 digits.41 RSR 416 988less accurate, still makes sense, 6 digits.An army grid CANNOT have an odd number of digits.
This grid she has reposted has 9 numbers.SO IT CAN NOT BE RIGHT.
I SAY AGAIN, CAN NOT BE RIGHT.
so I post "grid given has 9 digits"
a minute goes by
she sends me a private chat message with the full grid.
BUT NOONE POSTS FULL GRID IN THE CHATROOM.
So I wait for a minute, see there is still no accurate grid, and copy the line with her saying the full grid and paste it intothe chat room window.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAfter the briefing she comes downand first informs methat we dont say anything during the briefingandthat her medops people were tracking the eventandthat we are all intelligent peopleand we could have easilyseen that the numbers from the first WRONG gridwhen combined with the letters from the second WRONG gridmade a POSSIBLE grid, so CLEARLY that was the right oneand my posts added to the confusion.
Yep.My battle captain stood up for me.The best moment was when he asked if the whole grid had ever been posted,And she said "yes, of course"and I squintedand looked closely at my screenand said"i can only find it posted here, at 1929"and my captain says "didnt you post that?"And I said "yes".Precious.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosomeone taught me a trick about lies. When someonesays something to you and it makes no sense, reverseit and see if that makes more sense.So:
You shouldnt have talked during the brief!We had it under control!We are all smart people here!YOur comments added to the confusion!I'm mad!
does not make sense.Try this on for size:You did the right thing talking during the brief!We didnt see that event and you pointed out for everyone what we had not noticed.You are an idiot!Your comments made sense and pointed out my mistake!I'm mad because you made me look stupid!
Odd how the second version seems to make sense and be believablewhile the first doesn't.
So that's what I did today: I made an officer mad at me by doing my job.
On the JOC floor, where everything happens.
Think of, in the movies, when NASA launches a mission. All the guys at computers
and phones, organizing shit.
We organize RC(S), the second busiest quarter of Afghanistan.
And each day we have a briefing on everything that is going on.
In the same room as everything is STILL going on.
SO.......
usually its quiet while the briefing happens.
Once in a while, an event comes through.
Like yesterday, DURING the briefing, we got the MEDEVAC mission for 8 US
CAT A soldiers.
When you get hurt, and we assess you, we categorize it.
Cat C, you'll live, but should be seen by a doctor, MEDEVAC within 24 hours.
Cat B, you are stable, MEDEVAC within 4 hours.
CAT A. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
So we had 8 cat a yesterday, during the briefing.
So, when a 9 liner comes in (a 9 liner is a MEDEVAC request, called so because it has 9 lines),
we usually yell it out so everyone in the room hears it.
For yesterdays event, one of the senior people in the room said "9 liner" loud enough for
everyone who needs to know to know, but not so loud as to mess up the brief. Makes
sense, right?
Today, again during the brief, we had another 9-liner, this one for 4 CAT A ANA. The ANA
are the Afghan National Army. They do something like what we do, with less equipment, training,
pay, medical care. So four of them were in a truck and hit an IED. MEDEVAC.
So I see it, I say "9 liner" in a tone of voice quiet, but loud enough to be heard. JUST IN CASE
the people in medops two rows behind me are tieing their shoes, or looking at the speaker, or ANYTHING besides looking at the screen (and there is ALWAYS the chance that the message came through on my screen and not theirs, THAT HAPPENED EARLIER THIS WEEK).
THEN
I take the grid coordinates that show where the patients are, and the grids are wrong.
The Army has a complicated grid system for the whole world. A grid looks like 41 RSR 41689 98888. Thats a grid that makes sense. Other grids are NOT POSSIBLE IN AFGHANISTAN. The grid that is given is NOT POSSIBLE IN AFGHANISTAN.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Someone typed in the wrong grid. Too easy, I check on a second type of program to be sure. yep, does not work. So I post in teh chatroom we use
"request confirm on that grid" or words to that effect.
And the medops chief of operations sends me a private chat to the effect of "the grid is correct:,
So I'm like "roger"
and
I go check again.
Because thats the kind of soldier I am.
AND ITS WRONG.
So I say in the private chat, no, grids still not working on two programs.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
She posts updated grid.
BUT
NEW GRID IS EVEN WRONGER.
See, all Army grids have an even number of grid digits.41 RSR 41689 98888Makes sense, 10 digits.41 RSR 4168 9888less accurate, but still makes sense, 8 digits.41 RSR 416 988less accurate, still makes sense, 6 digits.An army grid CANNOT have an odd number of digits.
This grid she has reposted has 9 numbers.SO IT CAN NOT BE RIGHT.
I SAY AGAIN, CAN NOT BE RIGHT.
so I post "grid given has 9 digits"
a minute goes by
she sends me a private chat message with the full grid.
BUT NOONE POSTS FULL GRID IN THE CHATROOM.
So I wait for a minute, see there is still no accurate grid, and copy the line with her saying the full grid and paste it intothe chat room window.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAfter the briefing she comes downand first informs methat we dont say anything during the briefingandthat her medops people were tracking the eventandthat we are all intelligent peopleand we could have easilyseen that the numbers from the first WRONG gridwhen combined with the letters from the second WRONG gridmade a POSSIBLE grid, so CLEARLY that was the right oneand my posts added to the confusion.
Yep.My battle captain stood up for me.The best moment was when he asked if the whole grid had ever been posted,And she said "yes, of course"and I squintedand looked closely at my screenand said"i can only find it posted here, at 1929"and my captain says "didnt you post that?"And I said "yes".Precious.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosomeone taught me a trick about lies. When someonesays something to you and it makes no sense, reverseit and see if that makes more sense.So:
You shouldnt have talked during the brief!We had it under control!We are all smart people here!YOur comments added to the confusion!I'm mad!
does not make sense.Try this on for size:You did the right thing talking during the brief!We didnt see that event and you pointed out for everyone what we had not noticed.You are an idiot!Your comments made sense and pointed out my mistake!I'm mad because you made me look stupid!
Odd how the second version seems to make sense and be believablewhile the first doesn't.
So that's what I did today: I made an officer mad at me by doing my job.
November 11, 2010
The only one who can teach you
is your enemy.
And every year,
every year
they learn from us
every year
they get smarter
they get sneakier
they learn
but
every year
we learn from them
slowly
We learn
slowly
we didn't used to know
but we're learning
we're learning.
We're learning.
And when we learn enough
when we learn enough
when we learn enough
is your enemy.
And every year,
every year
they learn from us
every year
they get smarter
they get sneakier
they learn
but
every year
we learn from them
slowly
We learn
slowly
we didn't used to know
but we're learning
we're learning.
We're learning.
And when we learn enough
when we learn enough
when we learn enough
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
from last deployment
these are from last deployment, just copying them here to have them all in one place.
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